This guide belongs to 100 Ways To Be Being Remarkable  Series, a special project that brings you business and self-development advice from The Success Manual.

Stand up for what you believe in and be prepared to defend your position.
- Thomas Watson

What is assertiveness?
Assertiveness is the ability to honestly express your opinions, feelings, attitudes, and rights, without undue anxiety, in a way that doesn't infringe on the rights of others.

It's not aggressiveness, it's a middle ground between being a bully and a doormat.

It's dependent on a feeling of self-efficacy, a sense that if you behave in a certain way, something predictable will occur.

FALLOUTS OF NOT BEING ASSERTIVE
- Depression. From anger turned inward, a sense of being helpless, hopeless, with no control over your life.
- Resentment. Anger at others for manipulating or taking advantage of me.
- Frustration. How could I be such a wimp? Why did I let someone victimize me?
- Temper/violence. If you can't express anger appropriately, it builds up until it blows
- Anxiety, which leads to avoidance. If you begin to avoid situations or people that you know will make you uncomfortable, you may miss out on fun activities, job opportunities, relationships, and lots of other good stuff.
- Poor relationships of all kinds. Non-assertive people are often unable to express emotions of any kind, negative OR positive. It's murder for a relationship when the partners can't tell each other what they want and need and how the other person affects them. No one is a mind reader. The same is true for friendships and work relationships.
- Physical complaints. Headaches, ulcers, high blood pressure. We all know what stress does to our bodies, and assertiveness, when it becomes a habit, is a great stress reliever.
- Parenting problems. Kids are born knowing how to test the limits their parents set for them. If parents aren't assertive and firm, their kids will walk all over them!

Macho does not prove mucho.
– Zsa Zsa Gabor

HOW TO BE ASSERTIVE

Use assertive body language: Face the other person, stand or sit straight, don't use dismissive gestures, be sure you have a pleasant, but serious facial expression, keep your voice calm and soft, not whiney or abrasive.

Use "I" statements: "I'd like to be able to tell my stories without interruption."

Use facts, not judgments: "Did you know that shirt has some spots?"

Express ownership of your thoughts, feeling, and opinions. "I get angry when he breaks his promises." instead of "He makes me angry." or "I believe the best policy is to…" instead of "The only sensible thing is to …"

Make clear, direct, requests. Don't invite the person to say no. Example: "Will you please ... ?" instead of "Would you mind … ?" or "Why don't you … ?"

Stop talking about the problem and bring up, instead, how the other person is behaving RIGHT NOW.

Diffuse: Letting someone cool down before discussing an issue. "I can see that you're upset, and I can even understand part of your reaction. Let's talk about this later."

Assertive inquiry/stop action: "Let's hold it for a minute, something isn't working, what just happened?, how did we get into this argument?" This helps to identify the real issue when the argument is actually about something bigger than the immediate topic.

Summarization: This helps to make sure you're understanding the other person. Example: "So what you're trying to tell me is ... ."

Be very specific. It prevents distractions: "The thing I really wish is that you'd pick your clothes up off the floor."
- University of Iowa Handout

Radical: A person whose left hand does know what is other left hand is doing.
– Bernard Rosenberg

No one man can terrorize a whole nation unless we are all his accomplices.
– Edward R. Murrow

If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs?
– Marvin Kitman

When a man has pity on all living creatures then only is he noble.
- Buddha

The most common way people give up power is by thinking they don't have any.
- Alice Walker

OUR BASIC RIGHTS IN LIFE
The right to decide how to lead your life. This includes pursuing your own goals and dreams and establishing your own priorities.

1. The right to your own values, beliefs, opinions, and emotions -- and the right to respect yourself for them, no matter the opinion of others.

2. The right not to justify or explain your actions or feelings to others.

3. The right to tell others how you wish to be treated.

4. The right to express yourself and to say "No," "I don't know," "I don't understand," or even "I don't care." You have the right to take the time you need to formulate your ideas before expressing them.

5. The right to ask for information or help -- without having negative feelings about your needs.

6. The right to change your mind, to make mistakes, and to sometimes act illogically -- with full understanding
and acceptance of the consequences.

7. The right to like yourself even though you're not perfect, and to sometimes do less than you are capable of doing.

8. The right to have positive, satisfying relationships within which you feel comfortable and free to express yourself honestly -- and the right to change or end relationships if they don't meet your needs.

9. The right to change, enhance, or develop your life in any way you determine.
- The Wellness Workbook, Ryan and Travis

THREE POSITIVE AGGRESSION TECHNIQUES

1. Broken Record
Say what you want over and over again, calmly, until the other person finally hears it – you can use this when someone keeps refusing to accept your instructions or persists in asking you to do something you do not want top do.

2. Fogging
Use this to deal with manipulative criticism. Instead of being aggressive, you calmly acknowledge the likelihood that there may be some truth in the criticism. But remain in charge of yourself and the judgment about you. It allows you to receive criticism without being anxious or defensive. You respond by agreeing with the person, wrapping up your agreement in constantly changing way – e.g. “Yes, I agree, it’s awful, I got it so wrong.”

3. Counter Behavior
We tend to mirror other people’s behavior, often, quite unconsciously. By becoming more aware of this, you can be more assertive and avoid aggression. For example, if someone is acting aggressively towards you, pointing a finger, talking in a loud voice, waving their arms, rather than doing the same, you consciously choose to relax, breathe deeply, and talk in a calm manner.

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